The Day I Died (And Lived)
Death is only the separation of body and spirit, or so I thought, until the day I inhaled the vapor of the Sonoran Desert toad, bufo. Its venom contains 5-MeO-DMT, a compound so powerful and ineffable that many call it “The God Molecule.”
I was in Palenque, an ancient Mayan capital in the jungle of Mexico next to Guatemala: a mystical place that rises from the fog of the jungle with its incredible ruins and temples. Don Jesus, my shaman friend, prepared for me the glass pipe filled with 120mg of resin and he lit it. One breath, and gravity claimed me violently. My body folded to the ground, inert. My last thought was: it tastes of soil, of the earth itself, like the animal that burrows unseen beneath it. Toad… And then, I was gone. The “I” that is always present: gone.
What remained was pure consciousness.
Inside me, a thousand orgasms erupted, an ecstatic wave of cosmic dissolution. Time lost its grip. A single second stretched into eternity. I hovered above my own body, watching it lying there on the ground… and then even that dissolved. There was no observer left. Nothing. Nothing and everything at the same time.
When consciousness returned, ten minutes later, or perhaps after a million years, I was weeping in the shaman’s arms. I felt the urge to share my experience with my elderly mother:
“Mom, dying is beautiful. It’s the greatest joy of life.”
“What are you saying, my son? Are you okay? Don’t scare me.”
“I’m fine. Perfectly fine. I’m saying it for you… you know, since you’re old…”
“Oh, those words! You’re scaring me. Don’t talk like that…”
And there it was: the paradox. How can such an experience be translated into ordinary language without drowning its truth? Some things are meant to be lived, not spoken, and speaking to my mum about death has always been complicated.
I had lived the truth: that we are more than our bodies. This body is like a car, beloved perhaps, but ultimately just a vehicle. When it’s old or broken, you replace it. You don’t stop traveling.
On the Other Side of the Flame
Years later, I found myself on the other side of the fire, drum in hand, guiding others through the same threshold. I would sieve the bufo secretion, offer the pipe, and watch as the vapor filled their lungs. Within seconds, their bodies would crumple, spasm, or convulse. Some screamed, others burst into laughter, and some thrashed so wildly they seemed to wrestle with invisible forces.
I’ve witnessed every kind of eruption. A few women suddenly screamed in what could only be described as full-bodied orgasm. One woman tore off her pants mid-ceremony and began touching herself, lost in some private cosmic rapture. A man rolled so furiously across the ground that, when he returned, his skin was covered in bruises. The body, under bufo, does astonishing and unpredictable things, sometimes purging violently, sometimes contorting into postures no conscious mind would choose.
All the while, the person is elsewhere, far beyond any awareness of what their body is doing. We often needed two or three people to hold space, sometimes to physically contain someone big and strong. It was surreal: they might lock eyes with you, even growl like a wild animal, yet they were gone.
From the outside, it can look frightening, like watching a terrible struggle unfold. But when it’s over, people almost always emerge smiling, laughing, or in tears of joy. The scene you witnessed as a battle was, for them, pure bliss. What appeared to be a fight on the ground was, in truth, a journey through heaven.
And yet, most emerged trying, of course struggling, to express the ineffable:
“It was like a thousand orgasms.”
“Time stopped.”
“I was nothing and everything.”
“The ego dissolved. There was only love.”
“All is one.”
Just words, phrases worn thin and boring by overuse in spiritual books. But beneath the cliché was something authentic, something their analytical mind could not capture. For indigenous cultures, these phrases are not metaphors, they are descriptions in the language of nature, the subconscious, the soul. To us, they may sound banal, but in the dreamlike terrain of the psyche, they are poetry. Something has shifted below the surface, and the ripples will last.
We’ve noticed that many who take bufo report intensified dream activity. Some dream of the toad for a week or two afterward. Others have ten-second flashbacks during the day: brief but vivid returns to that boundless state. It can be unsettling if you’re not prepared, so we always tell participants: this may happen, and it’s normal.
The Mystery of Bufo
Unlike ayahuasca or peyote, whose ceremonial use stretches back thousands of years, the documented psychedelic use of Bufo alvarius is startlingly recent. The toad’s parotid glands contain 5-MeO-DMT, a compound so powerful and transformative that many have nicknamed it “The God Molecule.”
This title is not just poetic hype. Those who inhale it often report experiences of complete ego dissolution, timelessness, and union with all existence, states traditionally described in mystical literature as encounters with the divine. The name reflects the depth of awe the molecule inspires, whether approached in a laboratory, a clinical study, or a ceremonial circle in the desert night.
5-MeO-DMT was first identified in the toad’s venom in 1965, but it wasn’t until the underground pamphlet Bufo Alvarius: The Psychedelic Toad of the Sonoran Desert appeared in 1983, written by Ken Nelson under the pseudonym Albert Most, that safe smoking methods and first-hand reports began to circulate. This pamphlet became the unlikely seed for the modern spread of bufo ceremonies, from Arizona to South America to underground therapy circles across the globe.
Medicine of the Death That Heals
The bufo experience is undeniably intense, yet in recent years researchers, therapists, and underground practitioners have begun to view this very intensity as a therapeutic gift.
In Psychedelics in Palliative Care (Oxford University Press, 2025), an entire chapter is devoted to 5-MeO-DMT, outlining its potential to improve quality of life and transform attitudes toward dying. The chapter also addresses its pharmacology, side effects, legal status, and the ecological concerns surrounding its natural source, the Sonoran Desert toad. Together, these discussions reflect the growing recognition of 5-MeO-DMT as a promising tool for easing existential distress, depression, and anxiety in patients at the end of life.
Scientific evidence supports these insights. Case studies reveal striking similarities between 5-MeO-DMT experiences and near-death experiences, such as disembodiment, timelessness, and profound unity (Uthaug et al., 2023). Research on NDEs themselves shows long-lasting reductions in fear of death (Greyson & Khanna, 2022). Clinical and survey studies further indicate sustained decreases in depression, anxiety, and stress, alongside increases in mindfulness, life satisfaction, and meaning (Davis et al., 2019; Uthaug et al., 2019; Barsuglia et al., 2018).
A recent systematic review confirmed improvements across multiple conditions, including PTSD and substance use disorders, while also highlighting a favorable safety profile when used responsibly (Reckweg et al., 2022).
One of the most practical advantages of 5-MeO-DMT in palliative care is its brevity. Unlike psilocybin or LSD, which can last for several hours, the most intense effects of bufo are over within 20 to 30 minutes, with a total session time of about two hours. For patients who are physically fragile, this shorter duration makes the medicine far more manageable, while also reducing the strain on caregivers and clinical staff.
Beyond palliative care, its ego-dissolving nature makes bufo a potential ally in trauma recovery. Unlike talk therapy, which works through narrative, bufo bypasses the verbal mind, allowing the body to release stored tension and the psyche to reorganize without its usual defenses. Many facilitators now combine it with integration practices, such as breathwork or bodywork, to help ground the transformation.
Yet bufo is not without risks. The sheer force of the experience can overwhelm. Contraindications, psychiatric conditions, and certain medications must be carefully screened for. Ethical protocols, skilled support, and medical readiness are essential. The medicine speaks directly to the subconscious, often bypassing conscious memory, so people may not be able to “explain” what happened, only notice, weeks later, that they feel lighter, freer, more alive.
Ten Minutes in Eternity
In the end, bufo is a paradox: it heals by bringing us face-to-face with what we fear most. For a few timeless minutes, it strips us of identity, of story, of the illusion of separateness, then returns us, blinking and breathless, to the world.
I think back to my mother, bewildered by my words: dying is beautiful. She will probably never understand, and that’s fine. This is not an understanding of the mind, but of the soul.
Because in those ten minutes, whether they are ten minutes or ten lifetimes, you discover that eternity is not elsewhere. It is here, now, hiding behind the veil of a single breath. As the Zen master Thích Nhất Hạnh reminds us: “Eternity is not a distant place. It is the depth of this moment, revealed in the space between two breaths.”
References
Oxford University Press (2025). Psychedelics in Palliative Care. Chapter: “5-MeO-DMT.”
Uthaug, M. V., Sanz, C., Kuypers, K. P. C., & Ramaekers, J. G. (2023). A phenomenological comparison of a near-death experience and 5-MeO-DMT experiences: A case study. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1083361.
Greyson, B., & Khanna, S. (2022). Which near-death experience features are associated with reduced fear of death? Mortality, 27(2), 168–183.
Davis, A. K., Barsuglia, J. P., Lancelotta, R., Grant, R. M., & Renn, E. (2019). The epidemiology of 5-MeO-DMT use: Benefits, consequences, patterns of use, and relations to other hallucinogens. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 33(7), 779–792.
Uthaug, M. V., et al. (2019). A single inhalation of vapor from dried toad secretion containing 5-MeO-DMT in a naturalistic setting is related to sustained enhancement of satisfaction with life, mindfulness-related capacities, and a decrement of psychopathological symptoms. American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 45(2), 161–169.
Barsuglia, J. P., Davis, A. K., Palmer, R., Lancelotta, R., Windham-Herman, A. M., Peterson, K., & Griffiths, R. R. (2018). Intensity of mystical experiences occasioned by 5-MeO-DMT and comparison with a prior psilocybin study. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 2459.
Reckweg, J. T., Smith, K. M., & Nichols, D. E. (2022). A systematic review of the neurobiology, clinical and epidemiological characteristics of 5-MeO-DMT. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 36(7), 777–792.